Pre-College Fears, pt. 2

I know I've made the right decision.

The other night (the night I wrote 12*, I think) I had my first real woe-is-me, I'm-so-depressed-that-my-childhood-has-slipped-away, OMG-I-leave-for-college-in-less-than-two-weeks, I'm-leaving-my-entire-life-behind-to-start-a-new-one-away-from-my-family-that-I'm-SO-CLOSE-to (emotionally AND literally; I live 30 MINUTES FROM CAMPUS -_____-) breakdown. 

I'm generally a very happy person, but sometimes I seem to enter into this state of depression, etc. Maybe I just get too overwhelmed, I don't really know. Whatever. Anyway, all of these pent up anxieties (fearing judgement, not making a good impression, poor body image, fatness, poor body image, poor body image...) finally released themselves. Right after I wrote 12, I put on this old Kirk Franklin/God's Property CD (I don't listen to a ton of Gospel music, but this is a great CD.) to listen to during my shower, and all of a sudden, I'm crying. (I don't know if you've ever cried in the shower before, but it's one of the most awkward experiences I've had in awhile - there's water every where, but you can't tell your own tears from the shower water...) Anyway. It went on for about half an hour (You know how words can speak to you when you're feeling a certain way? I felt exactly like that, so let's skip the details.) I'm also in the process of cleaning my room out for one of my brothers to use, so old projects, stories, etc. are all adding to those anxieties and nostalgic feels. Anyway, back to the shower. There was praying and singing and rejoicing and crying. It felt good to release everything. 

But I was still bummed. I had to keep normal when I finished showering and went to talk to my family. I texted one of my friends and told him I had broken. (He promised me ice cream.) Then I did was every angsty teen does when she's upset: turn to social media. My friend asked why I was so nervous, and when I told him, he could find fault in all of my worries. All of them were refutable. There wasn't a real reason to to be afraid. After midnight, I got back onto Tumblr and saw that 12 had been reblogged. (I'm going to get really sappy in a minute; sorry in advance.) An upperclassman had commented on the post, assuring me that everything would be alright. More encouragement came on Facebook. People that I didn't even know had my back, and that felt amazing.

When I went to Rice's Owl Days, Dean Hutchinson gave a speech about the community of caring at Rice - how we Owls look out for one another, even if we don't know each other. After experiencing that firsthand the other night, I know I made the right decision in choosing Rice. Yeah, something like this could have happened at another college, but I feel like Rice is the perfect place for me, Lisa, to foster my educational and emotional growth. I can't wait to meet the family.

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*12 is a really depressing, whiny Tumblr post that reads:

"ANXIETYANXIETYANXIETYANXIETY. NERVOUSNESSNERVOUSNESS. FEAR.

CRAP.

At least I haven’t cried yet, although it doesn’t seem too far off."