I actually just spent the weekend in NOLA (for the first time) on a mission trip with the young adults and some high school seniors at my church. Our main thing was to clean up a church in a not-so-nice neighborhood and then head to downtown to evangelize in a non-intrusive way.
When I heard about the trip last Thanksgiving, I was a little skeptical about going, especially since it was initially a trip for the seniors - I didn't want to be 'that guy who'd graduated already and is still living in the past'. Then the youth pastor extended the trip to college age students and young adults, and we had a good group of 17 go to Nawlins. I had been so excited throughout this past week waiting for the good works we had planned to do over the weekend.
The plan was to arrive late Friday night, wake up early Saturday to clean the church, head into the city to hand out pocket crosses and evangelize, and then wake up early Sunday morning and worship at another local church.
This loose schedule? Yeah, it still happened. But there were other things planned between that didn't go as planned.
Friday - Friday was fine. We drove, stopped for food, bathrooms and gas, and we were set. Got in later than expected and actually ended up shifting our wake-up time back an hour.
Saturday - Saturday, however, was a completely different story. We had a blast cleaning the church - it was the type of mission work I had been looking forward to for so long, since I hadn't gone on a mission trip since 2008 (more than four summers ago!). The 2008 trip to Mexico was primarily a building and serving mission trip with a LOT of singing - I loved that back then and was stoked for it this time around since I knew that while we were supposed to be evangelizing, we'd get to sing. Or at least, someone'd get to sing. The semi-new youth worship leader came on the trip also. However, this is where the trip got a bit sour for me.
We were supposed to eat sack lunches after cleaning, but we ordered raw poboys from a sketchy shop in the projects. We then headed into Jackson Square, prepared to give away crosses and info cards and just to talk to people about anything and everything, but that changed quickly. We got sidetracked in watching street performers (who took FOREVER to begin and spent the majority of their performance asking for money) and left that quickly (much to the chagrin of most of the group - but hey, that's not what we were there to do!) to try to evangelize. The plan to evangelize was rushed together at the last minute, and we were sent off - initially in pairs, but because of safety, the girls had to split in threes, and we ended up splitting into 2 camps: shy and outgoing (guess which cohort I was in?). I got maybe 3 out of my 20 something crosses out, one of which was to a couple of ladies who thought the three of us (Black girls, dressed a little frumpy from working earlier) were charity cases. We didn't want to seem intrusive, but how else were we supposed to share Jesus' love? I tried to distance myself from my friends in an effort to seem less intimidating, but no one wanted to talk about Jesus, not even for a little bit. Our initial time period was up, so we went back to home base, and we were told to just walk around for a bit. I felt like we had given up. It seemed like we hardly tried, really, and we gave up so quickly! The worship leader, who'd also struck out, joined us, and we went window shopping. Window shopping. On a mission trip. In a voodoo store. (I feel like this wasn't an ideal place to go considering that we were, oh, I don't know, on a mission trip?) We circled back to the meeting location, and our minister asked about how we'd done. Upon hearing that we didn't meet our goals, the youth minister called loudly to some middle school boys and nearly forced them to accept the crosses. What? We eventually grouped up and went to grab some beignets at Cafe du Monde - two guys in our group held a spot for us in line, but one of my friends and I decided that it wasn't right for 17 of us to skip in front of a line that wasn't really that long, so we went to the back of the line. No one followed us, even after her urging. The minister didn't even follow us. We were disappointed - if this simple, kind request couldn't be performed, what were we even there for? On our way out, we passed by multiple people on the street waiting for a parade to begin, and one of the adults insisted on staying. We wasted an hour and a half there, and the parade hadn't even begun. My disappointment turned into irritation, and pretty much stayed that way for most of the night. We'd forsaken the only thing we came to do, and my heart was sad. I didn't understand why this was happening when we were coming to do God's work. We finally left and took forever to get back to the church at which we were staying. The original plan for the night was to make dinner, reflect on the evangelism successes and failures, and have worship before bed. Dinner wasn't ready until 10:30. The reflection wasn't anything devotional like planned, but just a quick around-the-table before bed. (No worship. Are you surprised?) I was sad. Really sad. (I'm also apparently a really lame Apples to Apples judge.)
Sunday - Today was... different. I woke up with a huge migraine. Irritability carries to the morning, I noticed. We went to church (a different one than the ones we stayed at or cleaned), and although the service was twice as long as ours at home, I loved it. I was awakened. I was rejuvenated I felt God with me, and it was great. The church members were so friendly and welcoming and there were things I'd seen at their church that we used to do but stopped under new administration, and I may ask to be on some sort of committee to liven up our 100+ year old church again. We went back to Jackson Square for sightseeing (this was in the schedule for today; I don't get why we did it yesterday also) and lunch for those who didn't partake in the neon pink hotdogs the church graciously offered us. The group I ended up with after we all went our separate ways raced to voodoo store after voodoo store (what is going on here, people?) until I bought a drink (they didn't stop for me to eat). The cashier asked about what we were doing there, and we told him about our mission trip. I began to get uncomfortable, because I could sense that he was armed with defamations of Christ. I left with one of the girls in our foursome, but my best friend and another guy stayed to listen to his argument. (I don't understand why my best friend runs to evil when she is having such a hard time with things. She knows Jesus, but it seems like she keeps running away from Him.) We met back up with the group, and we left New Orleans. The ride home was a little annoying - I tried to do homework and got carsick (which only happens when someone swerves or speeds a lot when they're driving - *ahem*), and I saw some other habits from others that made me rethink how I felt about them.
But do you know what else I saw? Everyone else having a blast, while I was angry. I felt as if they'd missed the entire point of the trip! But there they were, having fun, while I was frustrated that I hadn't had a great weekend like I expected. I expected to fall flat on my face in the evangelism, but to make up for that by softening the heart of just one person. (That didn't happen. I just fell.) I expected us to be selfless on this trip, and still have a great time, just like we did in Mexico four and a half years ago. That didn't happen also.
Maybe it wasn't them who'd missed the point of the trip, but me instead.
Do you know this story?
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
From Luke 10, this story shows how preoccupied we can be with serving God instead of taking the time to soak in His glory. I wasn't a busybody or anything, but maybe I wanted the schedule to go just as planned. I was trying to force God to do great things on my timetable. I was so (excuse my language) hellbent on serving God in such a strictly planned way, that I didn't let go of my rigidity to see the greater picture. I didn't let go of my anger; I didn't ask for God to relieve me of it. I clung to it. If I learned anything from Student Life Camp at UNT the last time I went, it was that you can't go into a trip expecting God to change you in a particular way. He doesn't work that way. I am not yet sure of how God worked through me this weekend, or if everyone thought I was this awful, snooty, angry Rice kid and didn't ever want to be my friend, which was another reason I went on this trip, but I know He is using me. If this sour trip (which would have been great had I not dwelled on everyone else's actions) is part of His plan for my life, then so be it.
Please pray for me, dears. I love you.
Editor's Note (1/21/13): Y'all know about my love for Mike Donehey and his band, Tenth Avenue North, yes? Anyway, on the way home from NOLA, sometime after we'd crossed back over the Texas border, we gained radio reception of the major Houston radio stations again. After listening to Air 1 for awhile, we heard one of their newer songs from their album The Struggle, and the lyrics perfectly explained my feelings for the entire weekend. I've italicized the words that spoke to me the most. Take a look:
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard
This is love, this is hate...
We all have a choice to make
Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
Well it's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.
This is love, this is hate...
We've got a choice to make
Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
Oh, no!
Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down
[x2]
Oh, Father won't you forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
Yeah, I feel like I've been losing
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losin'
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
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