Maybe It's My Fault

It's been YEARS since I have had a friend that would do anything for me, as I would for them.
YEARS.
What I'd GIVE for a companion who would put me as their number one!

College is supposed to be the best four years of your life, right?
I expected to be making memories and taking pictures and laughing and hugging and smiling and loving and having the time of my life. I wanted my roommates to be my best friends. I wanted to make tons of friends across campus. I wanted to appear confident in my body, even when I was struggling to love myself.

I wanted to prove to everyone I left behind that I was even better than they allowed me to be.

Sure, I knew college wasn't going to be a cakewalk; I chose to attend one of the best universities in the country. I knew there would be tears. I knew that classes would be difficult, and I knew I wouldn't always be around other people all of the time.

But I didn't know I would be sad all the time. I didn't know I would feel lonely and unloved all the time.
I didn't know people would treat me like an emotionally unstable basket case. (I have no mental disorders to support their actions.)

They make us fill out these roommate compatibility forms during the summer, so we get matched up with like-minded people. The longer I live here, however, I find that I have less and less in common with the people I live with. (One of them has joked about killing me in my sleep on multiple occasions. I lock my door at night.) I could talk about how BLARGH they can be, but I think I'd end up more depressed than before.

I know God is supposed to give us what we need, and not necessarily what we want, but I've been praying for a best friend since people started to bully me in elementary school. I've gotten close to finding someone, but I've seen that I'm way more invested in relationships than anyone else is.

Crush Boy keeps Facebook ignoring me. I'm sorry if I freaked you out.

I don't know. I promised to bring happy updates 2 months ago, but overall, I just keep getting worse off.
I'm not okay.
Not anymore.
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"Somewhere in the grand design / it's good to be unsatisfied / it keeps the faith and hope / a little more alive"
Downhere, My Last Amen