It's incredibly difficult to believe that in two weeks, God-willing, I will have ended my first semester of classes in college. 2 weeks after that, finals will be over, and I won't be a newly matriculated freshman anymore. College has definitely given me an opportunity to soul search, and I've found that I'm even more unsure of who I am now than I was 6 months ago. My interests continue to be ever-changing, but my determination has diminished quite a bit. Academically, I'm in a rut (no matter how much preparation I do before an exam, my scores continue to be sub-par), and I'm horribly exhausted. I've decided not to sugar-coat my feelings anymore - college is hard. Really hard. And this fact makes me really sad.
My Future
Anytime I think of some of my engineering courses, I cringe a bit - I'm probably in the lower third (The denominator of the fraction could be a lot higher; I just want to spare myself the tears. Again.) of my class performance-wise, and I don't know if I still have the passion for engineering as I thought I did when I came to college. Yesterday, however, one of my roommates asked about my perfect pitch (long story short, another roommate made a composition for a video game she created and I was able to tell the tonality of the excerpt she played), and I basically went commando (not the naked type) on her, teaching basic music theory. I felt passionate and in my element. It was a beautiful moment, especially considering I hadn't accomplished anything I wanted to for the day and it was 2 a.m. But what can you do with a Music Theory degree? Teach? At my school, we're not allowed to jump into the music school all willy-nilly like at other universities, else, I'd major in Physics and Music. Or Math and Music. Or Mechanical Engineering and Music. Or Architecture and Music. You see, I want the science part, but I want to apply it to music. (I'm one of those who believes that the physical can be explained by science, more or less. Kinda. Okay, that actually sounds very contrary to my religious beliefs. Crap. I'm just saying that music can be understood using science. God really can't be. Oh dear. #diggingadeeperhole #shutup #crap.) BLAH. Anyway, I want to be a mathmusician. Sorta. We don't offer anything like that here, and I'm horribly lost.
People.
People confuse me. (Maybe I confuse them.) Sometimes, I feel as if I completely strike out with everyone I come into contact with, all in a row. Other times, people will acknowledge me and have fun with me and make me feel like I belong. I was a wallflower freshman year of high school whenever I was around upperclassmen (all the time because of band), and I vowed not to do that when I came to college. I wanted to be like I was my senior year of high school - on top of the entire world. Guess what I'm doing now? Cowering. I have always hated my shyness and awkwardness, but I wanted to get rid of that. I want to change who I am. Guess what? I'm still the same old lame Lisa. BLAH. Also, I read way into EVERYTHING. (Last Sunday, a hug from an old friend turned into a marriage scenario in my mind. May have been the lady-hormones...) And also, I don't ever feel as if I'm ever fully present anywhere, that I'm just going through some motions. My entire life has felt like that, even when I've been really proactive and awesome. (I'm going to move on because I have a lot more to say and I want to post by 3 a.m.).
Faith.
CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE YAY
I have been fretting over all of the above, registration for next semester's courses, my grades, etc. and my mom gave me a book (Perfect Trust by Chuck Swindoll) that has helped her with worrying about things out of her control. I read a chapter each night (tiny book, so this wasn't hard) and would pray afterwards. I have to tell you that this was the best 2 weeks of my school year. People were kind, things at least seemed to look up, and I wasn't worried about things because I knew God would handle it. (The new registration system, for example: it is essentially a lottery with upperclassman priority - some of my classes needed for my current major filled with seniors who were taking it as an extra course before any majors got the course.) In registration, I was previously worried about not getting Chemistry with our Dean of Undergraduates, Music Theory 2, and a Freshman Writing Seminar about religion's impact on romantic relationships that I'd been waiting to take since this past summer. But I prayed and read the book, and the worry just left me. When the lottery results came out, I'd gotten the core courses I needed (and an extra, rare freshman engineering design class that was really hard to get into this fall) where I needed them (meaning I got Chem with the Dean instead of the other professor), but the writing seminar and the Theory class fell through. Yes, I was sad about the writing class, but I still wasn't worried, because I knew God had a bigger plan, and next semester, we will see it come to fruition. (I signed up for a freshman course on how to make the transition from high school to college which is group-based and has minimal assignments). One thing I noticed as I saw the worry leave me was that I almost began to border the "IDGAF" attitude, which was evident in my midterm 2 performances. I just have to work on that balance of caring enough and not caring too much or too little a bit more. (Basically, you can't just be all #YOLO and say, "No worries! God's gonna take care of it; he told me not to worry." No, proactiveness(?) is key, but not to where the feeling of dread consumes every fiber of your being.)
I'm beat. Crush Boy isn't coming to our universities' rival football game, so I'm just going to start studying for my final exams coming up in December and finish some assignments. I'll probably write again tomorrow or later this week CAZ I WANTS 2 TALK BOUT XMAS YALL.
Goodnight (morning?)!
-Lisa
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